So if you've been following this blog (unlikely, I know), you may have noticed some posts disappearing recently. The reasons are as follows: The first two were minutia about the week and didn't really deserve a place here, I felt, and the last was rather dark, and I'd prefer some people didn't see it. Not that I don't write dark things; Psychobabble is evidence that I do, but that's fiction. That post can be summed up fairly briefly anyhow. I read this: http://alexdaymusic.com/217/ and responded under the name of Fay. I then started considering how much of my life is about comfort and not pushing my boundaries, and wondered if by choosing a simple life I'm being complacent, or perhaps just not as worthwhile as all my artist/writer/writer-artist (in the case of Path) friends. Do they feel things more intensely, though a lot of those emotions seem to be negative ones? Is there any shame in being muse and editor to Fox and Path and my brain-twin? The image of supporting cast comes up a lot.
Needless to say, it's a dark read, regardless of some of the more grotesque/suggestive imagery, so that's going away for now. I've stabilized out a bit, and I'm pretty okay with who I am. For now. We'll see how it goes. And, uh... Sorry. Yeah.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
I imagine spilling my guts all the time
In both senses, actually.
The first is being put into a situation where I just ramble on about everything that's bothering me or what have you to an audience that listens and doesn't interrupt. It could be because I've burst into tears in class, and I just say everything on my mind instead of being to scared and embarrassed to do so, or it could be some ridiculously convoluted situation where everyone I know, or would want to bear witness to this, including people who have never met me but I admire, and I have all been transported to a vast featureless space and I am held at gunpoint or some such and made to talk. Sometimes stripping is involved because, honestly, when you think about holding people at gunpoint, a lot of the time there's a question of that. And sometimes I'm a badass and take them out myself and am admired. And sometimes I'm a badass and take them out, but then collapse, trembling, to be comforted by a person of my choosing. And sometimes I don't. And I am pitied.
And then there's the other meaning. Just the image of a knife, splitting my skin open, down the middle. No pain. Feeling, but no pain. Sometimes guts are revealed, sometimes a glowing purple light emanates, and engulfs everything around it.
It's not sexual in nature. It's a need to be understood, comprehended on a deeper level. I realize it's a theme with me, and I'll probably keep returning to it. Sorry about that.
A large problem with me is that I'm conflicted, in very many ways. People learn by context. When I was young, I followed the rules. I was a model student, and learned about defiant, strong female protagonists from what I read. And then I learned about rebelling, and how it wasn't cool to be the way I was. You had to think for yourself. So I did that. But some of that turned out wrong. And some of it went off the rails. And nothing makes sense anymore. Not really. And I think this started out coherent, but it's quickly devolving. There are so many pressures. So many stresses pushing and pulling and I want to be compliant and just make people happy, make people like me. That's the problem. Making people like me. Everything I do is for that. And it probably shouldn't be. But it is. I take care of people because I want them to think of me favorably. I am self-deprecating because people will like me better that way. And while I'm objective, I know that I am pretty, and smart, and nice, and all sorts of things, but I've worked a lot of my insecurities into subjectivity and they just keep influencing me because of how much I imagine scenarios of people reading thoughts, and so now even my thoughts are aimed to please. Everything conflicts. I want to be a homebody, but I want to be an awesome, self-sufficient, kick-ass lady who doesn't do that girly-girl crap. I want to have a comfortable life and a good job, and see my friends on the weekends, and I want to be a star, and I want to be troubled and tortured because of how much people admire people who are troubled and tortured and I want to be alive and I want to be dead but not very much because I'm terribly afraid of not existing. I want a comfortable love that never goes away and I want a flame that is doomed but while it lasts is exciting and burns all who touch it and I'm afraid I'm being unfair and settling and I'm afraid that by thinking that I'm being unfair because I'm not.
My thoughts have run riot again. Mutiny will not be tolerated. I will lock them up, nice and neat as I always do, and get on with life. Because not having them that way is just a hindrance, and not helpful. And I'm dying on the inside, but objectively I know I'm just being melodramatic right now and I'll be fine in the morning.
Good night.
The first is being put into a situation where I just ramble on about everything that's bothering me or what have you to an audience that listens and doesn't interrupt. It could be because I've burst into tears in class, and I just say everything on my mind instead of being to scared and embarrassed to do so, or it could be some ridiculously convoluted situation where everyone I know, or would want to bear witness to this, including people who have never met me but I admire, and I have all been transported to a vast featureless space and I am held at gunpoint or some such and made to talk. Sometimes stripping is involved because, honestly, when you think about holding people at gunpoint, a lot of the time there's a question of that. And sometimes I'm a badass and take them out myself and am admired. And sometimes I'm a badass and take them out, but then collapse, trembling, to be comforted by a person of my choosing. And sometimes I don't. And I am pitied.
And then there's the other meaning. Just the image of a knife, splitting my skin open, down the middle. No pain. Feeling, but no pain. Sometimes guts are revealed, sometimes a glowing purple light emanates, and engulfs everything around it.
It's not sexual in nature. It's a need to be understood, comprehended on a deeper level. I realize it's a theme with me, and I'll probably keep returning to it. Sorry about that.
A large problem with me is that I'm conflicted, in very many ways. People learn by context. When I was young, I followed the rules. I was a model student, and learned about defiant, strong female protagonists from what I read. And then I learned about rebelling, and how it wasn't cool to be the way I was. You had to think for yourself. So I did that. But some of that turned out wrong. And some of it went off the rails. And nothing makes sense anymore. Not really. And I think this started out coherent, but it's quickly devolving. There are so many pressures. So many stresses pushing and pulling and I want to be compliant and just make people happy, make people like me. That's the problem. Making people like me. Everything I do is for that. And it probably shouldn't be. But it is. I take care of people because I want them to think of me favorably. I am self-deprecating because people will like me better that way. And while I'm objective, I know that I am pretty, and smart, and nice, and all sorts of things, but I've worked a lot of my insecurities into subjectivity and they just keep influencing me because of how much I imagine scenarios of people reading thoughts, and so now even my thoughts are aimed to please. Everything conflicts. I want to be a homebody, but I want to be an awesome, self-sufficient, kick-ass lady who doesn't do that girly-girl crap. I want to have a comfortable life and a good job, and see my friends on the weekends, and I want to be a star, and I want to be troubled and tortured because of how much people admire people who are troubled and tortured and I want to be alive and I want to be dead but not very much because I'm terribly afraid of not existing. I want a comfortable love that never goes away and I want a flame that is doomed but while it lasts is exciting and burns all who touch it and I'm afraid I'm being unfair and settling and I'm afraid that by thinking that I'm being unfair because I'm not.
My thoughts have run riot again. Mutiny will not be tolerated. I will lock them up, nice and neat as I always do, and get on with life. Because not having them that way is just a hindrance, and not helpful. And I'm dying on the inside, but objectively I know I'm just being melodramatic right now and I'll be fine in the morning.
Good night.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
I never really maintain blogs for long...
Not journal ones, at the very least. I either don't use them very much, or they turn into a daily list of all my petty complaints, just as a way to keep them going. This will probably end up like the former, just because I am going to be making a concerted effort not to devolve into whining. In the meantime, however, I'm just gonna post whenever I feel I have something relatively interesting to say. So here goes.
I'm less than enthused with the current education system. I think everyone I know is; certainly everyone I've talked to shares the sentiment. There's a prevailing attitude of, "It sucks," but then people will either play along with the system because they have to (and don't go refuting that; I'll spend more time on it later maybe) or they get out of it as soon as possible and find other routes. Very little is really done, however. There are well-meaning teachers who want to make class fun and interesting but are sadly made to teach us a set list of facts before the year is out no matter what. There are those who actually think it's a good method of teaching (and it can be, for certain subjects and certain students, don't get me wrong). And there are those precious few like my senior year Gov/Econ teacher (either you know who he is, so I don't need to write his name, or you don't, so I don't need to write his name) who was, without any shadow of a doubt, a fantastic teacher. He was witty, intelligent, thought-provoking, and, above all, understanding. He would foster intelligent debate and generate interesting questions or activities for us to answer or do. The problem is that he had a more nebulous subject, so he was free to teach it in a method according to his own style - we didn't have to have the periodic chart or the SAS, SSS, only-right-triangles-have-ASS rules. ("You're such a right triangle, Jamie!" Ah, memories.)
Today in "Critical Thinking" (English) class, the topic sort of meandered around to these subjects. The teacher had been planning to show us some videos, but the speakers wouldn't play sound from the computer, only alternating between about a minute of silence and a minute of that sound you get when speakers are turned up quite loud. So our professor started asking us about our sentiments on being there; last class period we'd been in groups and had spent some time really introducing ourselves and our ambitions to the rest of the people in our groups, and what he'd gathered from visiting groups in turns was that a good deal of us were there either to further our ambitions or dreams, or because we knew we couldn't succeed in them monetarily or realistically. And, because success and education seem to be inextricably linked in the public eye in this country, conversation turned to education.
For once the class was really alive, offering input to each others' statements and generally creating an atmosphere of feedback and the communication of information. If there's one thing people enduring the education system today can really get worked up about, it seems, it's having to endure the education system today. There were thoughts offered about how learning and just going through school are two different things, and how school isn't even all that conducive to learning anymore. One girl told us about how she had to work two or three jobs because of her ejection from the household due to differing religious opinions, but she still loved to read and to learn, and wished she could just go to school all day instead of her current situation. The situation was obviously still an open wound for her, because her voice kept breaking, and she was holding back tears by the end of it. I really wanted to tell her how much I admired her for being able to share her story, but she left after class before I could. Another girl said how there were different kinds of learning, because while she'd been getting straight As in the schools she attended in Idaho, moving out here she'd seen more homeless people in a week than she had her entire life back home, and she was learning all kinds of things about culture that she'd never known before. Even the class troublemaker (really, the person who consistently livens up the class and makes it interesting for the rest of us) offered an opinion that really struck home with the teacher, talking about how people go in search of that elusive A without really learning or retaining information. It reminded me of a simple truth I'd realized a long time ago, and so I spoke up.
"I think one of the things dearest to people, one of the things we want the most, is to be understood, on many levels, or even basically, by other people. And I think a lot of the problems we're having with the education system now is that it's teaching knowing but not understanding."
A thoughtful silence followed, with our Class Entertainer performing a quiet, slow clap to humorously illustrate the effect I'd had. Even after the general agreement, our teacher telling us he wanted us to talk about what "that would look like" the next class period, and general dispersal, I kept thinking about this. I'd known understanding was important for a very long time - it's the basis of the novel I'll never write, and, at least to my mind, it's the basis for love. Understanding and appreciation are the two things I've found everyone to consistently want out of others. Understanding of who they are and what they have to offer, and appreciation for it. And I think that's a large part of what makes me so happy about geek culture now.
The stereotypical image of the nerd is the social outcast, unwanted and unliked by his peers. Geeks today have moved so far beyond that, though. We've come together and supported each other, and made each other proud to be who we are. Most anyone who's been to PAX will tell you about the sense of community there, but even without ever having been to PAX you can observe it everywhere. Strike up a conversation with someone about a mutually enjoyed TV show. Go to YouTube and see the community that's sprung up there. And I can think of no better place to find it than the forums I frequent, in which we sometimes have differing ideas and even some heated debates, but at the end of the day we will recognize each others' intelligence and validity as a person beyond the opinion, and even value the other person for saying something different, even if it's not to our liking. We care for each other, we offer words of support and encouragement when someone is feeling down, and congratulations when something awesome has happened to them.
Some people say that geek culture sprung out of the need for the underdogs to band together. Some people still treat it as a platform from which to proclaim superiority to the rest of the masses. What I think defines us right now, though, and what I hope will continue to define us, is this ability to come together, to form connections and communities with other people, just because we think they're pretty neat. A lot of the big people on YouTube (the Vlogbrothers, Charlieissocoollike, Nerimon, etc.) got to be "celebrities" because when people saw their videos, they saw people with whom they thought it would be cool to hang out. People whom they appreciated and whom, if they were to ever meet, they hoped would appreciate them back.
So while some classrooms may feature teachers standing in front of the class and telling them that N has a -3 charge, O has a -2 charge, and F has a -1 charge, and that they'd better memorize it by the test because they'd have to be balancing chemical reactions, some have teachers who will foster debate, exchange of ideas, appreciation for one anothers' thoughts and ideas, and, overall, understanding. I take this as a sign that we should not despair just yet, or throw the whole education system out the window. Make attempts to foster this behavior wherever it crops up. Start a reasoned debate in your normally boring Anthropology class. Ask your teacher to apply Calculus to a gate that the hero has to roll under before it closes or the baddies will get him, instead of just the old "ladder sliding down a wall" example (no, I'm not really sure how my example would work either - maybe the prop holding up the gate is diagonal? Just go with me here).
I think, if we really try, instead of just sitting around and sighing about how it's all gone to hell, we can really make a difference, and maybe spark some peoples' interest in learning again.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put off writing my essay some more and then complain about how dull and elementary the class is, like the raging hypocrite I am.
I'm less than enthused with the current education system. I think everyone I know is; certainly everyone I've talked to shares the sentiment. There's a prevailing attitude of, "It sucks," but then people will either play along with the system because they have to (and don't go refuting that; I'll spend more time on it later maybe) or they get out of it as soon as possible and find other routes. Very little is really done, however. There are well-meaning teachers who want to make class fun and interesting but are sadly made to teach us a set list of facts before the year is out no matter what. There are those who actually think it's a good method of teaching (and it can be, for certain subjects and certain students, don't get me wrong). And there are those precious few like my senior year Gov/Econ teacher (either you know who he is, so I don't need to write his name, or you don't, so I don't need to write his name) who was, without any shadow of a doubt, a fantastic teacher. He was witty, intelligent, thought-provoking, and, above all, understanding. He would foster intelligent debate and generate interesting questions or activities for us to answer or do. The problem is that he had a more nebulous subject, so he was free to teach it in a method according to his own style - we didn't have to have the periodic chart or the SAS, SSS, only-right-triangles-have-ASS rules. ("You're such a right triangle, Jamie!" Ah, memories.)
Today in "Critical Thinking" (English) class, the topic sort of meandered around to these subjects. The teacher had been planning to show us some videos, but the speakers wouldn't play sound from the computer, only alternating between about a minute of silence and a minute of that sound you get when speakers are turned up quite loud. So our professor started asking us about our sentiments on being there; last class period we'd been in groups and had spent some time really introducing ourselves and our ambitions to the rest of the people in our groups, and what he'd gathered from visiting groups in turns was that a good deal of us were there either to further our ambitions or dreams, or because we knew we couldn't succeed in them monetarily or realistically. And, because success and education seem to be inextricably linked in the public eye in this country, conversation turned to education.
For once the class was really alive, offering input to each others' statements and generally creating an atmosphere of feedback and the communication of information. If there's one thing people enduring the education system today can really get worked up about, it seems, it's having to endure the education system today. There were thoughts offered about how learning and just going through school are two different things, and how school isn't even all that conducive to learning anymore. One girl told us about how she had to work two or three jobs because of her ejection from the household due to differing religious opinions, but she still loved to read and to learn, and wished she could just go to school all day instead of her current situation. The situation was obviously still an open wound for her, because her voice kept breaking, and she was holding back tears by the end of it. I really wanted to tell her how much I admired her for being able to share her story, but she left after class before I could. Another girl said how there were different kinds of learning, because while she'd been getting straight As in the schools she attended in Idaho, moving out here she'd seen more homeless people in a week than she had her entire life back home, and she was learning all kinds of things about culture that she'd never known before. Even the class troublemaker (really, the person who consistently livens up the class and makes it interesting for the rest of us) offered an opinion that really struck home with the teacher, talking about how people go in search of that elusive A without really learning or retaining information. It reminded me of a simple truth I'd realized a long time ago, and so I spoke up.
"I think one of the things dearest to people, one of the things we want the most, is to be understood, on many levels, or even basically, by other people. And I think a lot of the problems we're having with the education system now is that it's teaching knowing but not understanding."
A thoughtful silence followed, with our Class Entertainer performing a quiet, slow clap to humorously illustrate the effect I'd had. Even after the general agreement, our teacher telling us he wanted us to talk about what "that would look like" the next class period, and general dispersal, I kept thinking about this. I'd known understanding was important for a very long time - it's the basis of the novel I'll never write, and, at least to my mind, it's the basis for love. Understanding and appreciation are the two things I've found everyone to consistently want out of others. Understanding of who they are and what they have to offer, and appreciation for it. And I think that's a large part of what makes me so happy about geek culture now.
The stereotypical image of the nerd is the social outcast, unwanted and unliked by his peers. Geeks today have moved so far beyond that, though. We've come together and supported each other, and made each other proud to be who we are. Most anyone who's been to PAX will tell you about the sense of community there, but even without ever having been to PAX you can observe it everywhere. Strike up a conversation with someone about a mutually enjoyed TV show. Go to YouTube and see the community that's sprung up there. And I can think of no better place to find it than the forums I frequent, in which we sometimes have differing ideas and even some heated debates, but at the end of the day we will recognize each others' intelligence and validity as a person beyond the opinion, and even value the other person for saying something different, even if it's not to our liking. We care for each other, we offer words of support and encouragement when someone is feeling down, and congratulations when something awesome has happened to them.
Some people say that geek culture sprung out of the need for the underdogs to band together. Some people still treat it as a platform from which to proclaim superiority to the rest of the masses. What I think defines us right now, though, and what I hope will continue to define us, is this ability to come together, to form connections and communities with other people, just because we think they're pretty neat. A lot of the big people on YouTube (the Vlogbrothers, Charlieissocoollike, Nerimon, etc.) got to be "celebrities" because when people saw their videos, they saw people with whom they thought it would be cool to hang out. People whom they appreciated and whom, if they were to ever meet, they hoped would appreciate them back.
So while some classrooms may feature teachers standing in front of the class and telling them that N has a -3 charge, O has a -2 charge, and F has a -1 charge, and that they'd better memorize it by the test because they'd have to be balancing chemical reactions, some have teachers who will foster debate, exchange of ideas, appreciation for one anothers' thoughts and ideas, and, overall, understanding. I take this as a sign that we should not despair just yet, or throw the whole education system out the window. Make attempts to foster this behavior wherever it crops up. Start a reasoned debate in your normally boring Anthropology class. Ask your teacher to apply Calculus to a gate that the hero has to roll under before it closes or the baddies will get him, instead of just the old "ladder sliding down a wall" example (no, I'm not really sure how my example would work either - maybe the prop holding up the gate is diagonal? Just go with me here).
I think, if we really try, instead of just sitting around and sighing about how it's all gone to hell, we can really make a difference, and maybe spark some peoples' interest in learning again.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put off writing my essay some more and then complain about how dull and elementary the class is, like the raging hypocrite I am.
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